1: Hey hello and welcome folks, before we begin this duo presentation, we'd just like to mention a little about our Duoing this year. We began, as many teams did, waiting patiently to win with a decent piece. But of course, with Holiday Shipping rearing its ugly, non-seasonally spirited head… (2 taps toe, looks at wristwatch, then notices Holiday Shipping's rearing head and follows it up, then points as he says)
2: Ha… That UPS guy really had a good one liner, (1 picks up phone) “No, it hasn't shipped yet you… (1 shoves phone to 2)
1: “Extempt, Impromptu, Broadcasting…” (2 shoves phone back to 1)
2: “Anally compelled Forensicator!” (1 slams phone down) Wait till scene 3 and that will all make sense.
1: Then, last week, we came across this obscure play written by two guys about Duo Interpretation, and tried it out. Since then, our coach has received a threatening vision from Lasure telling us to never do it again. (2 motions towards book, himself and 1, then room… inhales, and displays victory sign while hiding his eyes)
2: A threat of castration via his rusty scissors. (1 assumes victory sign, and snips on castration)
1&2: Eww! (Both turn and hide, 1 recovers first)
1: Yes, an actual omen. In any case, we tried to abide by his wishes, but our improv really didn't turn out well for anyone. So... this Duo presentation, like so much of creation, is NotArt. How to interpret... the larch. (2 recovers, shrugs, listens to 1 and laughs about improve; turns to 1 and wills him to get through the line; 1 turns head over on side after interpret, disgusted 2 kicks him)
1: How to interpret...the larch. (1 repeats line exactly same way, including head turn, 2 kicks him again in desperation)
1: How to interpret...the larch. (repeat process, embarrassed 2 explains the situation)
2: He sometimes skips when he doesn't practice enough. (2 kicks 1 twice)
1: How to Interpret Dually. (waking up, and 2 is relieved)
2: An interactive dialysis of that crazy pop-culture phenomenon known as Duo Interpretation!
1: Dialysis: The process by which the kidneys, unable to drain themselves, are drained utilizing heavy machinery?
2: Yes. (turning to 1, with disdain)
1: Just checking. Carry on.
2: No, YOU carry on. (indicating book)
1: Oh, right. Chapter one: The introductory intro, where you, the performer, will do something like this: (2 raises finger for chapter one, then points at performer)
2: 'And now another bloody stupid play, by The Reduced Shakespeare Company!' What does this mean to us, the (1: 'Hacks') 'creative' performers? Well, probably something more along the lines of this: (1 raises skull of Shakespeare, waves it around flamboyantly, and both close books)
Intro: 2. So now we're to the intro, right, since our books are closed. Luke Meeken and Rob Schultz were tired of doing the same old thing.
1. Blah, blah… I'm dying. Blah, blah… Egypt dying. Blah, blah… THEY KISS?!
(both roll heads, in opposite directions on each blah, blah.)
2. NO! See, most people aren't going to get that obscure Foxtrot reference. No one reads comics nowadays.
1. But, but… famously infamous scene 7. (1 tries to open book and show scene 7)
2. Fool! Don't open the book! We haven't said the title yet. (2 slams book closed)
1. But, but… in the teaser! (1 tries to open book again)
2. Stop that! You know our books are linked beyond human comprehension! (2 slams book again, then both hold out in front and gaze in love at them)
1. Oh right… our precious. (Both return books to intro place, and stroke them)
2. There you go, a good, if overdone, spoof. Anyway, if you'd ever practice, you'd know that neither of us say, “How to Interpret Dually by Luke Meeken and Rob Schultz” in the… TEASER! (1 becomes angry at practice, 2 is absorbed in title, 1 sees opportunity begins to open book, 2's book start to shake, and 1 forces book open on teaser catching 2 off-guard and causing him to hit his knee)
1: Yeah, isn't that great folks. I bet you all thought we were going to do something silly, like Directing Dubin by David Kraft... (2 recovers, but then freaks out on Directing Dubin, repeat hit)
2: Augh! My effing patella! Can we cut this out? (2 massages kneecap)
1: I'd love to, but first, we must go to:
1&2: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! Scene 2! (turn page on whoosh, then turn back on whoosh)
2: Transitions! Now, the transition is the only part of your long, bland presentation where you, the performer, have the ability to interject the least bit of originality into your long, boring piece. (2 is still massaging, 1 points on your, you, and hand talks on long, boring piece)
1: What does this mean to you, the performer? (2 shrugs and points)
2: Well, it most likely means that you, the performer, will do something like this: (1 points)
1&2: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! Scene 3! (repeat page turns)
1: Cursing! Yes, there are nearly thousands of words designed to offend you, your partner, your mother, your judge's mother, and both of their dogs! How do you use these words? Well as a famous little-known comedian named George Carlin discovered- (2 looks surprised, points at self, 1, random people, and two on both, shrugs, and cuts in 1 before he can talk about something “dangerous)
2: Well, in any case it's totally against KHSSL rules to change words in your piece, so if you want to avoid offending yourself, your partner, your mother, your judge's mother, and both of their dogs, you can't just go around saying things like 'Shucky-ding-dang-darn-diddly-HECK!' Instead of HECK, you'd say... (1 mirrors 2's actions from before, then is aghast at ‘shucky-etc')
2: C'mon, spit it out!
2: C'mon, what the opposite of Heck? (indicating floor)
1: Oh, Heaven!
2: No! I mean...okay... What's the opposite of Heaven? The really BAD place. It sucks. There's no way you'd want to be there right now... (indicates ceiling, then floor, then looks at judges on, you'd want… now)
1: OH! EXTEMPT!
2: Exactly! I told you to wait till scene 3!
1: But wouldn't it be easier just to choose a piece with little to no cursing in it? (both nod thoughtfully)
1&2: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! Scene 4! (repeat page turn)
2: Choosing an appropriate piece! Now, your coach will no doubt tell you that he has books and books of great pieces for you. He's a lying sack of poo. Or, at least that's the case with our own resident big-wig, little oracle Lasure, (1 takes books off shelf, hands them to judge, waves backside, then lumbers as Lasure does)
1: Age unknown. (both shrug and turn page)
2: So, in the end, you're better off just going to your local Barnes & Noble bookseller, and reading, though not buying, every play they have. These, of course, will also be terrible. Almost as terrible as (1 reads script, wags finger on not buying, and throws away imaginary book)
1: Clamato juice! It's like tomato juice with just a hint of clam! (2 indicates book as glass, and drinks, sputters on clam)
2: Yes, there'll be all manner of pieces that just aren't feasible to do, such as (2 scrapes tongue on such as)
1: Jurassic Park.
2: By Michael Chrichton.
1: Now I am a LAWYER, so I'm just gonna sit on this port-o-john until something humorous happens, like me getting eaten by a dinosaur. (2 begins to stalk as velociraptor, 1 sits down, 2 eats 1, who screams and spins behind 1) Pieces that have no dialogue tend to be bad choices, such as what happens when one character ingests the other. (2 looks happy, then hears 1 and is confused, looks at stomach, smiles, and point at self on one character, and stomach on ingests)
2: So, anyway, you'll keep going back to your coach, whining about your total lack of a piece, and he'll keep making copy after copy of entire terrible books, when, one day, you'll be reading Directing Dubin, by David Kraft, and you'll say 'HEY! We could DO this! In fact, we could DUO this!' And you'll show it to your friend, and give it to your coach, who'll make enough copies to choke an Extempt box. Then you'll cut it down to ten minutes, and practice it… (pantomimes copying, looks at script, is happy, and looks over on DUO to realize 1 isn't there, confused for a second, 2 regurgitates 1 back and hands him a copy of script on friend, who scrapes off stomach juice with it, 2 engrossed continues till he is interrupted and starts looking in the book for his next line)
1: It's also good to choose a piece with DIALOGUE. Anyway, what I was trying to get at was...
1&2: BOOM! (2 is busy looking, and doesn't realize book is shaking, repeat hit)
2: Can we PLEASE cut that?
1: I'd like to, but first.
1&2: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! Scene 6! (repeat page turn, 1 hold up three middle fingers, 2 holds up Vulcan sign)
2: Scissors, I win. (2 cuts 1's fingers)
1: Darn! Scene 6: ACTING!
2: Say, Jim, I thought we were going to do 'Scene Five,' on rehearsing your piece... (2 winks at judges)
1: This is where he wants me to say 'Oh, I think I forgot it.' (2 mouths ‘Oh,… it,' and both roll heads, in opposite directions)
2: See, it's funny and ironic, because he forgot the scene about memorizing your piece...
1: Well, I'm not going to do it. It's silly. There are however, guidelines for Duo Interpretation. Perhaps one of the strongest rules is no physical contact. (2 pouts after ‘silly', and mopes until 1 hits him in side after ‘is')
2: If you absolutely HAVE to have physical contact, its best to pantomime it, but to do so in Duo Interp, you have to be sure to face the proper direction, as evidenced by this scene from The MATRIX: (2 hits one on face at HAVE, and both turn out on The Matrix)
1: But I would advise against this, as we all know that, in the judges instructions, it says: (2 begins “Neo evading bullet” while 1 attempts to punch him)
2: And I KA-WOTE: "Although gestures and pantomime are not barred, they should be used with restraint!" Surprising, eh? (2 catches 1's fist, and pulls it down so he can read script, 2 pushes 1 back to front after ‘restraint,' 2 returns to front and massages lower back)
1: There are also many other important rules such as: No props, no costuming, no horseplay, no smoking, no running near the pool, please wait to be seated 30 minutes before eating...(etc. etc.) We should shift our focus to something more popular and fun. Something everyone, well, everyone but you, has been asking for... (2 massages back, eventually hears 1, and looks at him in disbelief, 1 notices before ‘etc. etc.', and scans script and continues fearfully, 2 sighs, motions towards room on ‘everyone', and points at someone on ‘you')
2: Hoping for...
1: Asking about...
2: And inquiring within…
2: And concerning...
1: Our famous…
2: -ly infamous…
1&2: Whoosh! Whoosh! Scene 7! (repeat page turn)
2: Spoofing! Now, when spoofing a piece, its best when there's a small, small, ever so small demographic of duo performers... As opposed to this year, when everyone from Grandma Moses… (1 shrinks fingers to emphasize small, indicates some woman on ‘grandma')
1: Who makes much munchy meats most Monday mornings... (2 points to same woman)
2: ...to Hank Azaria... (1 points at some man)
1: Who assists Aryan algebra... Impromptu! (2 points at same man… waits for 1 and cuts him in, disgusted)
2: ...is competing, you never know if people will know the piece you're spoofing. Like if we spoofed some totally obscure, stupid piece, like... ‘Why, you appear to be a blind, one-armed, deaf-mute! Would you mind relating the origins of your disabilities in a thoroughly distasteful anecdote?' (1 closes eyes on ‘blind,' puts one hand behind back one ‘one-armed,' and pops lips on ‘deaf-mute,' 2 chuckles because he thinks 1 can't react to him anymore)
1: ‘Well, you see, I've been spending too much time practicing my accent to tell such a story. It is really quite a lot of work to generate such a pathetic accent, non?' Or… (2 is surprised, and is about to object when 1 spits in his face on ‘accent' due to bad thick Russian accent, 1 finishes and wipes book off)
2: ‘I can't believe you want to take the life of our child!' (2 covers mouth then eyes in over –dramatization and points at judge)
1: ‘Don't call it that! It's not a person!'
2: ‘For Christ's-sake, woman! He's nearly fourteen!' (2 is aghast and indicates judge)
1: You'd have no idea what the heck-
2: Ahem. (2 coughs)
1: You'd have no idea what the ‘Extempt' we're talking about.
2: And anyway, when picking a piece to spoof, it's usually best to pick one instantly recognizable from just one line, such as:
1: Stay away from the margaritas Johnny, they're vicious! (2 acts drunk)
2: Jim, do you see squirrels in this painting? (1 peers at painting)
1: I sorry Johnny, but the Duo, you can't handle the Duo... (2 sets face, and slams fist on both ‘Duo's)
2: Oh my GOD! My son's a fairy. (1 covers mouth and points at judge)
1: Uncle Johnny hung herself, and the family cat... (2 hangs himself, then holds up noose with cat on it)
2: CAT LAXATIVES?! WHY THE BROADCAST WERE YOU FEEDING US CAT LAXATIVES! (1 snickers while 2 goes off, and turns page while 2 is not paying attention)
1&2: BOOM! (repeat hit)
2: What the EMTEMPT is that? (2 is desperate, massaging his knee)
1: I'd guess God's coming to wreak his vengeance upon you… (1, barely able to contain laughter, wiggles page on ‘wreak' and ‘vengeance', and 2 does same since books are linked, he realizes this)
2: Oh right, now it's all clear… the link between the books, of course. (2 shakes page on ‘now… clear' and pulls book in on ‘link' and up in front of face on ‘of course', 1 mirrors)
1: Oops, you're not scripted to figure that out. Better… (1, horrified, pulls books back down on ‘scripted' and 2 does same)
1&2: Whoosh. Whoosh… Scene 8. (1 fights with dazed 2 to turn page)
2: The concl… Wait a minute, you're meaning to tell me that this entire piece you've just been knocking me over ‘cause I don't know when some of the BROADCASTING PAGE TURNS ARE?! (reality sets in on 2, and he goes off as 1 laughs)
1: Well, maybe if YOU'D practice as much as you say you do! Oh, look at the time, we really can't be discussing this now. An appropriate length for a piece is about eight to ten minutes. Going over time is bad, as it can usually have a negative impact on your score. This piece, as a matter of fact, last week, in its original format, was a nice, crisp… (2 gets death glare, scares 1, who tries to continue the piece, 2 punches at him , and laughs as 1 has to avoid him on ‘An,' ‘Going,' and ‘This')
2: 9 minutes and 13 seconds. Unfortunately, by adding this chapter on keeping time, we've consigned ourselves to going horribly over time. So, since we're going to be taking up extra time anyway, I'm sure you won't mind if we take a little time to ourselves and practice our other pieces. (2 has worked through his aggression and is back to the performer he was at beginning, 1 breaths deeply and holds his chest, both immediately begin with their other pieces))
2: (Begins teaser to storytelling piece, The Last Basselope)
A very, terribly long time ago, before such things as television and good table manners, or even (notices 1's singing)… children.
1: (Begins singing intro to his prose piece, The Man who Married Himself)
I love myself, I don't need you to remind me. I don't want anybody else, when I think about me I touch myself… OH!… (notices 2 staring at him strangely)… oh.. umm…
1: Heh… heh… ummm… better…
1&2: Whoosh… Whoosh… Scene 9. (repeat page turn, slowly)
2: The conclusion. Sadly, every duo presentation must come to an end. Some conclusions are witty, some are touching, and some (2 backs away from 1, while trying to come to grips with his duo partner)
1: Are not.
2: A tried and true mainstay of the classic duo conclusion is merely the simple:
1&2: Thank you. (both bow with books open, 2 attempts to close while 1 resists so books shake)
1: I bet you thought the piece was over, but you were WRONG! That's right, the piece marches ON! Because there are three ways to end a speech. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way! (1 looks up, and pulls book to correct position on ‘but,' 2 is disbelieving, and angrily tries to close book on ‘right way,' ‘wrong way,' and ‘Max Power way.'
2: Say, isn't the Max Power way just the wrong way? (2 gives death glare and attempts to close book on ‘Max,' ‘Power,' ‘way,' ‘wrong,' and ‘way.'
1: Yes, but its faster! And It goes like this: (books shaking badly the whole time, 2 pauses and realizes what 1 is trying to do)
2: Don't give them the one. (2 looks deep into eyes of judge, points at another group)
1: And for God's sake, don't give THEM the one! (1 looks deep into eyes of judge, points at another group)
2: Give us the one. (bottom of books to chest)
1: We deserve the one. (top of books to chest)
1&2: Yes, it is… precious to us. (close books and stroke them in silence till laughter)