How to Interpret Dually
Rob Schultz & Luke Meeken.

This is the part you read to see if you're allowed to perform this in your league, if you really care about that sort of thing:

After a whole bunch of people tried using this piece in the 2002-03 season, we've found that in most leagues it isn't admissable without an ISBN which, sadly, this does not have. At the moment How to Interpret Dually is not a legal piece in most leagues. Which really shouldn't stop you from using it. Heck, it was EXTREMELY illegal when we did it (we'd written it that day before). We got plenty of laughs, and that was fine enough (though many judges did give us a better score for this than for our earlier, legit attempts, which was kinda nice, I guess...).

If you're from Kentucky, however, publishing on the web (or your local school newspaper) is evidently fine enough. Jon Benet (the Duo Interp performer, not the murdered girl...yeesh) not only did the dialysis, but adapted it to rag on the squares they had to compete with. Check it out. Also, now that that version is online, it's legal to perform it in Kentucky, too. Criminy, what isn't legal in Kentucky these days...

...And in another bid to maybe make this thing performable, you can order small quantities of printed/bound/etc. versions of the dialysis here, which is evidently enough for some leagues. We were contacted by a coach who evidently simply needs to buy the script from us to make it legal, and who are we to argue with such fine forensics rules? If you're in Forensics and want to do this piece legitinately, ask your coach if this works in your league.


Bits in gold were added for our last forensics tournament ever on Jan. 27, 2001.
In any case, just mix and match stuff, and come up with your own spoofs and such to keep things fresh every week.

(extra special Jan. 27, 2001 preliminary speech)
1: Hey hello and welcome folks, before we begin this duo presentation, we'd just like to Mention a little about our Duoing this year. We began, as many teams did, actually trying to win with a decent piece. We did mediocre for a while, but the judges didn't like it, and soon everyone grew tired. Then, last week, we came across this obscure play written by two guys about Duo Interpretation, and did it last week. Since then, our coach has received a threatening call from Mr. Snook telling us to never do it again.
2: On pain of castration via his rusty scissors.
1: Yes, an actual quote. In any case, we tried to abide by his wishes, and do some nonsensical jokes first round, which really didn't come off well for anyone. So...
(end of special intro)

1: This Duo presentation, like so much of creation, is NotArt. How to interpret...the larch.
(2 kicks 1)
1: How to interpret...the larch.
( 2 kicks 1)
1: How to interpret...the larch.
( 2 kicks 1 twice)
1: How to Interpret Dually.
2: An interactive dialysis of that crazy pop-culture phenomenon known as Duo Interpretation!
1: Dialysis: The process by which the kidneys, unable to drain themselves, are drained utilizing heavy machinery.
2: Yes.
1: Just checking. Carry on.
2: Carry on.
1: Chapter one: The introductory intro. Now, the introductory intro is the only part of your long, bland presentation where you, the performer, have the ability to interject the least bit of originality into your long, boring piece. What does this mean to you, the performer? Well, it most likely means that you, the performer, will do something like this:
2: 'And now another bloody stupid play, by Christopher Durang!' What does this mean to us, the ( 1: 'Hacks') 'creative' performers? Well, probably something more along the lines of this:

[special creative intro goes here. Below are the two intros employed by our intrepid heroes]

{FAKE INTRO 1- Hody Oten Doten Day intro, done at first showing
1&2: Hody Oten Doten Day! Hody Oten Day-O! Hody Oten Doten Day! Cutting up a coupon.
Hody Oten Doten Day! Hody Oten Day HEY! Hody Oten Doten Day! Cutting up a coupon.

1: (waving, smiling) Thank you! Thank you! Thanks alot!...
2: (grabs shoulder of 1) Hey, stay focused!
1: Right. 'Happy Teeth'?
2: Nah, it's not ready yet.
1: Oh...Hmmm...'Eric'?
2: By Terry Pratchett?
1: Let's do Eric!
1&2: Hody Oten Doten--BOOM!
( 2 collapses, as in start of ERIC *)

{FAKE INTRO 2- Narratorapalooza, created for Jan. 27 show
1: (makes Alfred Hitchcock Music with mouth)
2: (Walks in sidways, Hitch style, turns to audience, begins to improvise Hithcock speech, something similar to the following) Good evening. Tonight's tale is a tale of amazing suspense and mystery, a tale which finds its roots in Fairy Tales, the very sort of which are read to us each night by our parents. Not surprisingly, these tales were mostly written by a couple of men named 'Grimm' (chuckles).
1: (imitating Rod Serling, improvising Serling speech) A man, whose perception is beyond that of traditonal three dimensions, a British suspense director consigned to narrating a TV show. Yes, that signpost up ahead, that dimension of sight and sound--
2: (still Hitchcock) Certainly not the Twilight Zone! This is Alfred Hitchock theater!
1: (Biography narrator) Yes, Alfred Hitchcock and Don Pardot, two great narrators of their times, next on biography, but first stay tuned for our story on the Crypt Keeper.
2: (Crypt Keeper voice) Hello, Boils and Ghouls! Let's have us a ripping little yarn about THE OCCULT!
1: Yes the occult, on A&E's next presentation of Eric.
2: By Terry Pratchett.
1&2: BOOM!
( 2 collapses, as in start of ERIC)

2: (whines about falling on knee)
1: Yeah, isn't that great folks. I bet you all thought we were going to do something silly, like Eric, by Terry Pratchett...
1&2: BOOM! (2 collapses)
2: Augh! My effing patella! Can we cut this out?
1: I'd love to, but first, we must go to:
1&2: WOOSH! WOOSH! Scene 2!
2: Transitions! Now, the transition is the only part of your long, bland presentation where you, the performer, have the ability to interject the least bit of originality into your long, boring piece. What does this mean to you, the performer? Well, it most likely means that you, the performer, will do something like this:
1&2: WOOSH! WOOSH! Scene 3!
1: Cursing! Yes, there are nearly thousands of words designed to offend you, your partner, your mother, your judge's mother, and both of their dogs! How do you use these words? Well as a famous little-known comedian named George Carlin discovered-
2: Well, in any case it's totally against NFL rules to change words in your piece, so if you want to avoid offending yourself, your partner, your mother, your judge's mother, and both of their dogs, you can't just go around saying things like 'Shucky-ding-dang-darn-diddly-HECK!' Instead of HECK, you'd say...
1: Ermmmm...ehhh...
2: C'mon, spit it out!
1: Uhhhhn...
2: C'mon, what the opposite of Heck?
1: Oh, Heaven!
2: No! I mean...okay... What's the opposite of Heaven? The really BAD place. It sucks. THere's no way you'd want to be there right now...
2: Exactly!
1: But wouldn't it be easier just to choose a piece with little to no cursing in it?
2: Yes, and I'm glad you asked that, little Eric Thursley! We''l get into that, right after this:
1&2: WOOSH! WOOSH! Scene 4!
1: Scene 4: Special effects! Talking backwards! Snowcab kneefot, skefulescheps. Elf niece!
2: (slaps forehead)
1&2: WOOSH! WOOSH! Scene 5!
2: Choosing an appropriate piece! Now, your coach will no doubt tell you that he has books and books of great pieces for you. He's a lying sack of poo. Or, at least that's the case with our own Solon coach, little Vikky,
1&2: (hand motions)Age twelve.
2: So, in the end, you're better off just going to your local Borders booksellers, and reading, though not buying, every play they have. These, of course, will also be terrible. Almost as terrible as
1: Clamato juice! It's like tomato juice with just a hint of clam!
[this section added for the Jan. 27 showing]
2: Yes, there'll be all manner of pieces that just aren't feasible to do, such as
1: Jurassic Park.
2: By Michael Chrichton.
( 1 acts like he's sitting on a toilet, 2 begins to act tyrannosaur-like)
1: (imitating Starr Jones) Now I am a LAWYER, so I
m just gonna sit on this port-o-john until something humourous happens, like me getting eaten by a dinosaur.
2: (roars, eats lawyer)
1: Pieces that have no dialogue also tend to be bad choices, such as Tubes, created by Chris, Matt and Phil, collectively known as
1&2: Blue Man Group
(Both 1 and 2 begin playing tube instruments, making noises with mouths. Continue for few minutes)
2: It just doesn't work. There's no words, and this is a SPEECH contest, after all.
1: There are also plenty of questionable pieces to be found in pop culture. There's Calvin and Hobbes, and--hey! Pokemon!
2: (mimes Pikachu) Pikachu! Pikachu!
1: (mimes cat) Cat! Cat! Cat! Cat!
2: (mimes human) Human! Human! Human!
1: (mimes glutton) Glutton, glutton glutton, etc.
2: (mimes fluffy milkshake) Small fluffy milkshake, Small fluffy milkshake, Small fluffy milkshake... SMALL FLUFFY MILKSHAKE! (screams)
1: (slurps) GLUTTON!
2: See, it's nonsense!
[end of added segment]
2: So, anyway, you'll keep going back to your coach, whining about your total lack of a piece, and he'll keep making copy after copy of entire terrible books, when, one day, you'll be reading Eric, by Terry Pratchett, and you'll say 'HEY! We could DO this! In fact, we could DUO this!' And you'll show it to your friend, and give it to your coach, who'll make enough copies to choke a ficus. Then you'll cut it down to ten minutes, and practice it, and you'll be--
1: (getting a word in edgewise) It's also good to choose a piece with DIALOGUE. Anyway, what I was trying to get at was...
1&2: BOOM!
( 2 falls, as in at beginning of Eric)
2: Can we PLEASE stop that?
1: I'd like to, but first.
1&2: WOOSH ! WOOSH! Scene 7! (1 holds up five fingers, 2 holds up two. Two uses his two fingers to 'cut' 1's)
2: Scissors, I win.
1: Darn! Scene 7: (John Lovitz voice) ACTING!
2: Acting!
1: Acting!
2: (obviously overacting) Say, Rob, I thought we were going to do 'Scene Six,' on rehearsing your piece...
1: (to audience) This is where he wants me to say 'Oh, I think I forgot it.'
2: (to audience) See, it's funny and ironic, because he forgot the scene about memorizing your piece...
1: Well, I'm not going to do it. It's silly. ( 2 pouts) There are however, guidelines for Duo Interpretation.
Perhaps one of the strongest rules is (hits 2) no physical contact. ( 2 hits back) If you absolutely HAVE to have physical contact, its best to pantomime it, but to do so in Duo Interp, you have to be sure to face the proper direction, as evidenced by this scene from The MATRIX:
(both face each other. 1 slowly begins to slap 2. When hand is at 2's face, action freezes, and both rotate towards the audience. 1 continues slap in front of him, and 2 mimes being slapped.)
But I would advise against this, as we all know that, in the judges instructions, it says:
2: (pulls out judge's information sheet from jacket) And I KA-WOTE: "Although gestures and pantomime are not barred, they should be used with restraint!" Surprising, eh?
1: There are also many other important rules such as: No props, no costuming, no horseplay, no smoking, no running near the pool, please wait to be seated 30 minutes before eating...(etc. etc.)
Well, I'm sure you're sick of hearing about all these rules. I know I am, and so we should shift our focus to something more popular and fun. Something everyone, well, everyone but you (point to person who'll be spoofed), has been asking for...
2: Hoping for...
1: Asking about...
2: And inquiring within
1: About...
2: And concerning...
1: Our famous...
2: ly infamous..
1&2: Woosh! Woosh! Scene eight! (each make a little eagle with hands, holding up 8 fingers) 
1: Parody!
2: Spoofing! Now, when spoofing a piece, its best when there's a small, small, ever so smal group of duo performers...
1: How small is it?
2: So small my Great Aunt used it as a hairnet!
1&2: (Forced laughter. Pause for laughter.) Come ON, people! These are the best jokes of 1805!
2: Anyway, with a small number of people, its more likely that people are familiar with the pieces your spoofing. As opposed to this year, when everyone from Grandma Moses..
1: Who makes much munchy meats most Monday mornings...
2: Hank Azaria...
1: Who assists aryan algebra...damn...
2: competing, you never know if people will know the piece you're spoofing. Like if we spoofed some totally obscure, stupid piece, like...
(spoof piece of someone in room, some examples of ours follow)

{Spoof: The Blind, One-Armed, Deaf-Mute
2: (affecting creepy British accent of shopkeeper in piece) Why, you appear to be a blind, one-armed, deaf-mute! Would you mind relating the origins of your disabilities in a thoroughly distasteful anecdote?
1: (affecting terrible French accent of person playing the French guy) Well, you see, I've been spending too much time practicing my accent to tell such a story. It is really quite alot of work to generate such a pathetic accent, non?
{Spoof: Red Riding Hood
(1 just replies 'yes mother' to everything)
2: (Playing mother, affecting her voice) Now red, your mission, should you choose to accept it is to deliver THIS basket of goodies to grandma's house. If a wolf stops you, bite down on the cyanide capsule in your teeth, and spit in his face, it'll blind him temporarily. And if you see Charles Manson, hum a few bars of 'Helter, Skelter,' and give him a muffin.
{Spoof: Some creepy abortion play
2: (father) I can't believe you want to take the life of our child!
1: (mother) Don't call it that! It's not a person!
2: (father) For crissakes, woman! He's nearly fourteen!
{Spoof: Alice in Wonderland: The Tea Party Scene, added on Jan. 27th show
(this is basically the Alice in Wonderland sketch from the Steve Buscemi episode of SNL)
2: (hatter) Ooh! WE have new guest here at our wonderfully, funderfully mad tea party!
1: (marche hare) Oh, we're so mad! Sometimes, I wear my SOCKS on my FEET!
2: And I cut my arms with razor blades, then drink the blood!
1: What did you say?
2: I'm MAD! Wonderfully, funderfully mad!
1: Why yes, I'm so mad, sometimes, I fall asleep in the morning, and wake up at NIGHT!
2: Sometimes I put out lit cigars on my crotch!
1: What?
2: I burn my crotch with lit cigars? Isn't that delightfully MAD?
1: That's not mad, it's sick! I wear SOCKS on my HANDS. You burn your crotch with lit cigars!
2: Yes, aren't we such a zany, mad, whip-zip-bong pair of madcap madmen?!
1: I think you should go now...

{Spoof: Red Riding Hood II: Psycho Hood, added on Jan. 27th show
(2 just puts head down for this one, 1 is both Norman Hood and Mother)
1: NORMAN! I want you to take these bags of goodies to grandmothers, you evil, visious little boy!
Yes, mother.
And if you see a princess in the Motel, I want you to kill her in the shower, see?
Yes, mother.

1: You'd have no idea what the heck-
2: Ahem.
1: You'd have no idea what the 'Duo Interpretation' we're talking about.
2: And anyway, when picking a piece to spoof, its's usually best to pick one instantly recognizable from just one line, such as:
(Alternate between 1 and 2, saying keen lines from other pieces, mimicking the voices/inflection used. The following are the quotes we used in our presentations)
1: Stay away from the margaritas Dolly, they're vicious! (Some piece about a girl named 'Dolly,' and some lude ashtrays)
2: I like the word sleuthing, Joe. (The Hardy Boys, by Chris Durang)
1: I think they'd look good in yellow... (from some movie about angels deciding who should be pregnant and whatnot)
2: How did I misread those signs? (Some Woody Allen movie piece)
1: Aunt Mildred hung herself, and the family cat...(Crimes of the Heart)
2: CAT LAXATIVES?! WHY THE HELL WERE YOU FEEDING US CAT LAXATIVES! (Not really form a piece, just thrown in to confuse the audience)
1&2: BOOM!
(2 falls to floor, curses)
1: Easily my favorite line. But now, its time we move on to...
1&2: Woosh! Woosh! Scene 9!
1: Ummm...ermm...
2: Err...
1: Ad-libbing! Believe it or not, up 'til now, everything has been scripted, including this very speech, right down to every (stutters) stutter, (pauses) pause, and miseke, erm, mistake. Sometimes, its best to something zany and original, namely when you've forgotten your lines or something. It's never a problem, because I can pull fresh new lines from here (points to head), here (points to pockets), here (points to pants), or even here (slaps 2 in head).
(ad-lib zany stuff, usually pre-planned. Here are some of what we did:)
{Ad-lib 1
1: We could easily just cite some wacky piece of pop-culture, like a movie, or perhaps-
2: (flails arms) Hey, look at me, I'm stuck in a friggin' wood chipper over here!
1: Isn't he great, folks? Just like the real Steve Buscemi!
{Ad-Lib 2
1: We could do something wacky and Canadian, but of course, totally original and ad-libbed.
1: (kneels down on ground)
2: Good evening, and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness! I now shall summon a being borne from the very bowels of Hell itself, (places hand where 1's head would be if it were to his right. Lifts hand, simultaneously, 1 should stand up as hand rises) MANSERVANT HECUBUS, ARISE!
1: Hello, master!
2: Hecubus, pick a card (hold out cards).
1: No.
2: (Gasps. This would also be a good 'audience gasp moment'**) Evil! Pure evil! So, Hecubus, I've been hearing about this movie, 'Seven'...
1: Yes...Gwenneth Paltrow is the killer.
2: But, Hecubus, I haven't seen that movie yet!
1: I know. (grins mischievously)
2: Evil! Rude and evil!
{Ad-lib 3
2: Hey, how about a good imrpov premise? Uhh..TME TRAVEL!
1: Okay (begins to roll up collar)
2: NO! We're not businessmen from the future! We'll have a conversation with Ben Franklin!
1: Okay! SCENE!
2: (in character of teenage bum, Hoagie) Whatcha doin,' dude?
1: (Ben Franklin) I'm discovering ELECTRICITY!
2: Don't you need a key for that?
1: Don't ber ridiculous! Soom I'll discover electricity, and everyone will be indebted to me.
2: And then what?
1: All the people of the world will come to me, Ben Franklin, KING OF ELECTRICITY for all of their electrical power needs!
2: And then what?
1: I'll have all mindless, irritating, question-asking fools like you jailed!
2: And then what?
1: Shot!

1: But I'm sure you're all sick of this, i know we are, so let's just move along to...
(NOTE: IN the original version, we went directly to scene twelve: The Closing, which was then known as scene 10, the Closing. Scenes 10 and 11 here were added spontaneously on Jan. 27)

1&2: Woosh! Woosh! Scene ten!
1: Attire!
(1 and 2 go around room, citing examples of appropriate Forensics tournament attire, demonstrating pants, lack of pants and so on, concluding with their own attire which is, sadly, lacking)

1&2: Woosh! Woosh! Scene eleven!
1: Keeping time! An appropriate length for a piece is about eight to ten minutes. Going over time is bad, as it can usually have a negative impact on your score. This piece, as a metter of fact, last week, in its original format, was a nice, crisp
2: 9 minutes and 55 seconds. Unfortunately, by adding this chapter on keeping time, we;ve consigned ourselves to going horribly over time. So, since we're going to be taking up extra time anyway, I'm sure you won't mind if we take a little time to ourselves.
1: I'd like to sing a song.
2: And I read 'Lord of the Flies.'
(1 begins singing Bohemian rhapsody, 2 pulls out a copy of LoF, and begins leafing through it, giving away important plot points to the audience. When 1 gets to 'BEELZEBUB!' (skipping sections of song is allowed), he taps 2 on shoulder. Both sing, until final 'FOR MEEEEEEE!,' at which point, both 1 and 2 headbang spontaneously in headbanging do transiton to)

1&2: Woosh! Woosh! Scene 12!
2: The conlusion. Sadly, every duo presentation must come to an end. Some comclusions are witty, some are touching, and some
1&2: Are not.
2: A tried and true mainstay of the classic cuo conclusion is merely the simple
1&2: Thank you. (Both bow heads as if done. Wait for judge to stop stopwatch. Then look back up.)
1: I bet you thought the piece was over, but you were WRONG! That's right, the piece marches ON! Because there are three ways to end a speech. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
2: Say, isn't the Max Power way just the wrong way?
1: Yes, but its faster! It goes like this:
(Both start heckling the judge. Ask things like 'Where's our one?' and 'Lay off the crack, will ya?')
1&2: Thank you. (Click heels. Sit down.)

* The piece Rob and I were doing the majority of this season was from the book Eric, by Terry Pratchett. Our piece began with the hapless wizzard(sic) Rincewind exploding onto the scene with a resounding boom. If you wish to trick people into thinking you're going to do another piece, make a creative intro that segués into your piece well. If you start the season with this piece...well, then keep all the Eric stuff in there just to confuse people, I guess...

**Audience participation: Add that extra bit of 'zing' to your Duo presentation using a little method my pal Max and I cooked up. Before the round, before your judge comes in, tell all the other competitors in the room to gasp, laugh, or somthing else appropriate at a certain key word. If they come through, it increases the immersive experience for the judge, and is hella-cool.